Bringing me Down

I was pretty sure I could only die once, that my life could end only on the night that I ended the lives of two people in a way that even those in my new existance wouldn't tolerate...

I couldn't have been more wrong. Dad found me, and the people I've wanted to trust me and I've done so much to prove myself to saw what kind of monster I am. Even he might know.

Alex, David... It takes too much effort to go out and face them right now...

I knew I'd screwed up and make msitakes. I should have stayed in Mira Mesa, kept in seclusion and treated how I was... It'd be better than this. I know exactly how they found me, but I didn't know about how much evidence they really had. How could I have not known... Photos, Sure, but... Motherfucking Godforsaken Video Tapes? Since when is SDSU London? There's no way they gave me the only tape, Either... The thought of a first Change on tape must be too valuable for them not to.

For Fuck's Sake, Faith in Technology comes with a price... There must be some way I can keep the thing I love from fucking me everywhere I go. So many places with tapes, so many places with my face... How am I supposed to deal with people if every mistake I made is recorded on magnetic media someplace, waiting to bite me in the ass?

Maybe the spirits can offer some advice... And maybe I can go deal with them before that son of a bitch Niela shows up. How dare she possibly complain about anything in her life, She doesn't have the fundamental fuck-up that all of us began our new lives with to haunt her, nothing to atone for.. I don't care what that sleazy shadowlord bastard does with her if it keeps her the hell away from me. Bloodless change... I hope she dies in a fucking fire.

Maybe I should leave and go back. At least with the walkers, someone can fix these things when I screw them up... No one here understands as well...

[Scared and Pissed]
-Daniel

New Post

(D.N.A. Post Template 1.015)
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The Long Nights / Incompetence / Lessons Learned / Bitches! (leaning latter)

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Lack of efficiency within the Sept. on the bright side, closer to dealing with Douglas, and also potential pack members. Chance for peace with Niela + Cassidy, amnesiac cliath philodox cool as well. DFA's good graces on Alex, can call him DFA if in hurry. Ignored, hints of becoming like Mira Mesa.

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Note... Have not been cub that long, comparatively. Maybe GW treatment in MM not so bad. Still hate them. Status of Stadium, Cockroach shrine, learning Cleansing rite.. all unknown. Danitall, NEED THOSE THINGS TO HELP.

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Ignored at the ring, lots of interruptions, unable to help in messes. Lots of time to think.Niela totally irrational mostly, potential for Cassidy. Hopes to have Philodox step in and mediate. Why does everyone expect me to be able to make cops dissappear?

[emotion 1 and emotion 2]
-Daniel

(revamp, remove hangers and Guidelines)

Self, edit post before posting, keep off front page.

Aftermath

I was wrong,. no dreams, seeing as how I could barely sleep.. I think I passed out for 30 minutes or an hour somewhrere in there, but... I can't stop yawning.

If I'm going to be mobile and not just pass out on the floor in the park, I'm going to need to have Alex pick up a shitload of Caffiene and get something filling to eat... I don't think I can really operate this way otherwise.

Really, I can't tell if it was the movie or just random insomnia striking, but it wasn't fun, I can state with utmost certainty. i'm sure that the pile of logic puzzle books on the nightstand beckoning to me wasn't a helper, either.

[Exhausted and Exhausted]
-Daniel

Daring to Dream

Like most people, I dream on the rare nights I get a decent sleep, and fate, Gaia, whatever sees it fit for me to remember the erratic chain of thoughts linking through fitful fifteen minute bursts of REM sleep. These days when I dream, it's usually two things (or, i remember two.)

The first.. I think alot about the city. The buildings, the people, the reflections of shining glass towers and the people that built them and fill them. It's a shadows and light, black and white feeling, when I wake up. There's glory... but also, painful evil there. The potential keeps me coming back, but the failures of the city as a utopian construct detract from the grandiose nature of the modern urban cityscape.. and leave me empty.

But, I also see another city... A city of towering, impossibly majestic buildings, stretching from a lush deck of respected natural landscaping that rings with purity, to an orderly sky filled with dark etched lines like the traces of a celestial circuitboard. Utopian and pure in the ways our cities aren't, built for community, brimming with a compassion that's required to achieve such lofty architecture.

I guess there's two ways I intrperet the latter sort of dreams, while the first grounds me in reality and reminds me of what is now, instead of what could or will be. Maybe I'm just superimposing some Ayn Rand on vague descriptions of the Cyberrealm, some Freudian impulse placing idealized conditions upon a locale that is, until I can find someone much more skilled than I, entirely out of reach despite it's draw. If not that, then the imagined realm is serving as a rash metaphor for my own percieved notions of perfection laced with the reality of the cityscape.

Broken down that way, I guess it seems trivial, and silly.. But when I wake up and have one of those images fresh in my mind, it brews a level of hope. No matter what is going on, it feels like, there is a better world, a better city with the conscious intent to help those that dwell in it achieve a higher standard of living. I wish my dreams would just give up the intermediate steps, from here to there, an point me to the right course to change the blights our citiies really are, beneath a false facade.

Still, I think tonight I'll have a reprieve, and maybe a break from such a tease of a vision. Alex offered to go hang out and get dinner and a movie, and I went along and took th chance to explain my recent findings on the stadium over some pizza. the next part, well....

There's something that's just, Surreal about watching a war movie about heroes, real and percieved, sitting next to a Morningkill. It makes conversation unsettling, I guess. I can't help but wonder what's going through his mind, with a legacy and the pressure of generations and all. I mean, A powerful movie that implies the weight of two generatiosn of decorated veterans really pales next to the sort of lines we Garou have, dating back hundreds of years. I guess Alex has felt the way a good memorial sort of movie makes you feel for most of his life.

Tomorrow, I guess there's some sort of follow up meeting to our arrival. I am praying a ranking theurge of the 'Walkers appears out of thin air, but I somehow doubt it will happen. Other than that little thought, I really don't know what tomorrow will bring.

[Reflective and Exhausted]
-Daniel

Time Marches On

Wonderful. I try to figure out what's going on, transfer problems to peopkle who can solve them.. and I end up owing people favors. It's office politics, only it's worse, and it's the end of the world on the line instead of quarterly earnings. I don't really want to extend that analogy...

Someone requested that I look into a matter, and I agreed to do with a loose maybe on their terms.. and in doing so now Vinny expects something out of me, aside from being his personal sports score ticker. Maybe He'd pay me for that... But being a bookie is just one step away from being his accountant.. and I woul drather not get myself cooking books for anyone except myself, and the flat mates.

Speaking of them, they seemed to think weekly meetings were a decent idea to keep track of everything... Although they seem determined to treat me to an expensive computer. I tried to explain i'd likely be too busy fighting for Gaia to do the weekly tech support.. but they brushed it off with a chuckle.

So much that needs to get done this week... Looking into things for people, learning more from Alex and others.... I guess if all the activity gets things off my mind, I'll be better off...

[Worried and Drained]
-Daniel

Apologies Hurt

I feel a little sore, having tried my best to subtly.. Well, tell someone off.

David and Alex are not bad flatmates, So far... But my second night at the Caern I was pulled in another direction by a pair of Cliath glasswalkers. They empathized with the crap that Mira Mesa gave me... but they don't seem like the suit and tie type, as I know it.

They are more or less the chicago-style 'Walkers, from what I can see. It's all 'Family'... and they aren't talking Kinfolk. Dealings with Vampire Dons, seedy underworld rendesvous, and the finer details of strip club ownership... it all doesn't sit well with me, and I had to let Vinny know that before he got the wrong idea.

I want to be one of them, so bad I can taste it... But the Coorporate Crowd shaft me like a combo bitch-intern, these mafioso are.. well, off the scales of legitimate business, and I don't think I'll ever be able to own another computer to hang with the hacker-engineer sorts. Maybe those neo-tribal movements would take me in, if I got some piercings and an 'I <3 Gaia' tat or three.

Why can't there jsut be the 'Smart people who want to save the weaver and help the humans' camp?...

[Guilty and Frustrated]
Daniel

Supressed Urges

Have you ever looked at a corkscrew, seeing the twisting circles and wondering exactly what it would look like, plunged into an eye? or handled a knife - Carefully.. but only because you considered the damage it would do if you sliced a finger to the bone, or gestured too broadly and put the point into someone? Then, the worst part of all.. You're unable to turn away, and forget about the images of what could happen, of how you could hurt yourself.. or someone else, and all it would take was one mistake, or just a few seconds of conscious, baleful actions....

It's like that, around here... Only constant. Every time I see someone... not human, I think about it. What willfull action would it take to hurt them? I could suddenly have the same horrible claws and vicious teeth they do, and in an instant lash out. I worry about what would happen if I lost it just long enough to use these weapons to bring them harm.

With Humans... it's only worse. I worry about harming my 'friends', but they could defend themselves. Not regular people, out on my beloved streets. It would take a single, unthinking blink of not thinking enough to stop myself, and I could end lives. Effortlessly. En Masse. But not guilt free, and that haunts me.

What would happen if I cut my hand with that pocket knife? How would the blood spread if I shot the guy in the next stall at the range? What would happen if I shashed that lady with my claws? What would happen to Alex if I tore into his arm with my teeth?

It's like having a gun, but there's no mystery. I know full well what it looks like, to see flesh parted with claws and teeth, and yet the thought still never subsides, or goes away. The world of my childhood allowed for such thoughts - Guns, swords, and punches, no one ever got hurt when Action Bill fought...

Well, Us.

Which only makes it worse. Twelve plus years of conscious, childish hatred of the bad guys, and then, well guess what? You're one of those monsters that got sent back to whence they came every saturday morning. Nothing shakes you like that... It's like, if Communism and Nazi Fascism turned out to be the almighty's will on earth, intended for the betterment of society but for the American Way warping your vision.

And what, if anything, is what this whole twist has taught me... Not to take people's word for anything. Everyone has an agenda, malicious or benign, and their biases make things worse. The only thing that seems straight laced anymore are gafflings, too small and too homogenous to dupe you, easy to read, and always themselves...

On that note.. I think I'll go pay those simple folk a good, long visit to cool off.
-Daniel