Supressed Urges

Have you ever looked at a corkscrew, seeing the twisting circles and wondering exactly what it would look like, plunged into an eye? or handled a knife - Carefully.. but only because you considered the damage it would do if you sliced a finger to the bone, or gestured too broadly and put the point into someone? Then, the worst part of all.. You're unable to turn away, and forget about the images of what could happen, of how you could hurt yourself.. or someone else, and all it would take was one mistake, or just a few seconds of conscious, baleful actions....

It's like that, around here... Only constant. Every time I see someone... not human, I think about it. What willfull action would it take to hurt them? I could suddenly have the same horrible claws and vicious teeth they do, and in an instant lash out. I worry about what would happen if I lost it just long enough to use these weapons to bring them harm.

With Humans... it's only worse. I worry about harming my 'friends', but they could defend themselves. Not regular people, out on my beloved streets. It would take a single, unthinking blink of not thinking enough to stop myself, and I could end lives. Effortlessly. En Masse. But not guilt free, and that haunts me.

What would happen if I cut my hand with that pocket knife? How would the blood spread if I shot the guy in the next stall at the range? What would happen if I shashed that lady with my claws? What would happen to Alex if I tore into his arm with my teeth?

It's like having a gun, but there's no mystery. I know full well what it looks like, to see flesh parted with claws and teeth, and yet the thought still never subsides, or goes away. The world of my childhood allowed for such thoughts - Guns, swords, and punches, no one ever got hurt when Action Bill fought...

Well, Us.

Which only makes it worse. Twelve plus years of conscious, childish hatred of the bad guys, and then, well guess what? You're one of those monsters that got sent back to whence they came every saturday morning. Nothing shakes you like that... It's like, if Communism and Nazi Fascism turned out to be the almighty's will on earth, intended for the betterment of society but for the American Way warping your vision.

And what, if anything, is what this whole twist has taught me... Not to take people's word for anything. Everyone has an agenda, malicious or benign, and their biases make things worse. The only thing that seems straight laced anymore are gafflings, too small and too homogenous to dupe you, easy to read, and always themselves...

On that note.. I think I'll go pay those simple folk a good, long visit to cool off.
-Daniel