Thoughts Adrift

At first... it was falling down the rabbit hole. Removal from a normal life, isolation, and a flurry of activity that one could not follow clearly. But there was that hope to cling to, that it would be over eventually... things would settle. Things would make sense.

I guess I've gotten past that part. Now, every day is more like... More like a dream. A dream where I'm floating, I have trouble moving around. No tactile feedback, no firmness of reality to brace myself with to move on.

Nothing is... how it ought to be. My largest source of stress is my sept, and the largest source of anxiety my sept mates. The people I should feel protected by, trust with my life... are the ones I worry about at night, the ones I constantly have to keep myself from reacting, lashing out at...

It's becoming the nightmare I envisioned, pushed close to the edge, and walking the thin line where those memories of the comic books and movies want to surface, and I want to strike and rid myself of the evil wolves... Even if I realize I am one myself.

Some people just cannot be trusted... and their lap dogs stuff their fucking noses into everything. My life, secrets others were SWORN not to share... And then others can't shut up. They yammer constantly as I pass, beating conversations we resolved weeks ago, belittling each other and struggling for tiny victories of confidence or esteem to make themselves seem better than one another.

They are even wasting the time of people I trusted to remain level heads. it's all wasted time. Time no one can spend on my projects. Time I don't spend on my projects, when I think of the messes.

Then, there is that... My projects. With my friends stuck as punishment, my hands are tied... so I chose tasks to relegate, and others have stepped up to lead investigations I know my intuition and logical skills could help with. then, the shrine. A working puzzle with the simple task of watering plants, extrapolated to an artful riddle in Chimera's likeness. I guess.. we'll see how it turns out.

But the worst part... the worst part are the rumors. Five people have told me I am to go on my rite of passage. I don't want to believe any of them. The idea I would be the cub most suited to make the jump, when I've only been around for 3 months... it's just not sensible. I shouldn't be... I don't have anything to make me worthy of that honor, and yet everyone tells me I must...

Why? Why me? I don't understand how others are overlooked... How the people I respect, and the people I hate for getting away with things under my nose, aren't going first. Then again, even the Cliaths show divides, rifts that make them work stupidly, make mistakes, repeat information and get locked in loops... Maybe, there is something I have that can help all of this.

if there's hope of being a prestigious sept again, we need major debugging.

And, no one listens to a cub...

The Grind

Sometimes, It's hard not to stay up, twitching. And I know it's not just the caffienne.

It's that constant, nagging urge to create, to work, to micromanage and seek advantage, work work work. It's been getting me pretty bad, lately.

Alot of work. Projects, organization, deals with spirits, and field trips into the city. Sometimes alone. Sometimes after curfew. But I work dilligently to help out. I hope everyone sees it, and I hope none of them have ever been managers.

Because there is something any manager worth their salt can see. Dilligent workers are all just procrastinators, taking up tasks to avoid another specific one they are unwilling to face. It may be that I'm working hard just because... And it may just happen to help keep my mind off the hellish parts of these last two weeks, the unfinished business and the fears of dangerous liasons with bad men in black suits and fathers you'll never be able to face about the truth, wondering how long you can hide it all from a world trying to get in.

Trying to juggle, personal pursuits you won't even share with your roommates, delving into social engineering and secret manuevering and espionage-slash-information extruding...

Finding out who caught the worst fifteen seconds of your life on tape...

Finding out why you were left behind when you should've been brought along...

Facing a challenge everyone tells you is both crazy and noble to persue...

Facing a world of analogy and ephemera where your greatest allies lie underfoot.

Maybe it was a wake-up call, and maybe that's just the scarring talking. either way, things have changed. Not seeing that and fighting change is how you lose. Adaptation is the way that you continue, even in the absence of anyone who can help. Adaptation is what Glass walkers do. it's what I do, now. And if adapting to struggle means working my ass off for no pay and maybe a few whispered asides of praise, but in the silence that work makes one human's life better, one Garou's fight easier, one Spirit's brood stronger...

Well, then maybe it's all worth it.

-Daniel

Embrace (cross posted)

It's changing,
Everything is changing,
Technology is to blame,
It is spreading it's wire like tentacles,
Spreading into every aspect of my life,
of your life,
of our lives.
It's already changed me,
I love the change,
The transformation fascinates me,
Every day life as we know it will be no more,
Even the simple things have changed,
Rapid,
And irreversible.
Don't deny the coming,
Don't attempt to prevent the change,
Don't let it pass leaving you behind,
Don't fear that which is new,
Doesn't matter if you love it or hate it,
Just so long as you,
Embrace it.



I'm always hoping that everyone will see through the fears of change, and figure out how the world should have adapted, had it not been lead astray. That is our purpose here, to keep the call of the future mingled with the howls of the past among our brethren, and relight the path to Utopia and the rekindling of the Triat's balance... At least, That's my vision. If only there were more of you to share it with..

-Daniel